jenhellow

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  some months ago, i said to myself or the fella or a therapist, someone else too, i think my life is better than i think my life is. 

  when it’s dark inside my head, or when alcohol and nightmares beget insomnia, when the panic or anxiety or whatever attacks come and takes over and i feel my head convulsing and all i’m thinking is i’m going to lose every thing again, i forget all about this. i guess i don’t forget; it just doesn’t matter. my life is not better than i think it is. then; in those moments. not now. when that happens, my life is scary, awful, apocalyptic. 

  i don’t like when that part of this cycle happens.

  but today! i cooked, did laundry, did not finish the laundry but it’s folded and the closet is ready for it come back and get organized. i drank coffee. i talked to cats. this is in reverse chronological order.

  and the action of picking up my camera, locating a memory card, actually taking my camera outside to photograph something going on in my life, like this dude, this bike. this is good. he’s building the engine for this bike and it’s going to be lovely. it’s already lovely.

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  man, i miss her face. 

• days with my father

  it’s father’s day. i adore my father, wholly, completely, and i sometimes think about what it will be like when he has died. i once did this while driving and ended up crying so hard i couldn’t drive any further. this makes me feel that same feeling.

• Unharvested

  A scent of ripeness from over a wall. 
  And come to leave the routine road
  And look for what had made me stall, 
  There sure enough was an apple tree
  That had eased itself of its summer load, 
  And of all but its trivial foliage free, 
  Now breathed as light as a lady’s fan. 
  For there there had been an apple fall
  As complete as the apple had given man. 
  The ground was one circle of solid red. 
  
  May something go always unharvested! 
  May much stay out of our stated plan, 
  Apples or something forgotten and left, 
  So smelling their sweetness would be no theft.

  -Robert Frost

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  cabrillo beach. 2010.

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  cabrillo beach 2010

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  cabrillo beach 2010